Do you really like someone else as much as you like you?

 

Achieving all the things you want in life may require every ounce of your drive, talent, time and money. Are you really that concerned about helping another particular someone through their next fifty-plus years, as much as you’re concerned about helping you? Do you even need someone else’s help with your own goals, enough to wholeheartedly offer an equitable trade of your time, money, effort, and talent?

 

Listed below are some “traditional benefits of marriage.” To “receive” support in any of them, you should reasonably plan to make at least an equivalent (if not necessarily equal) contribution to your partner. Keep in mind that all these “benefits” are on the table—negotiable, not “assumable”—in a modern relationship, so consider what you want from him as well as what you want to contribute/offer:

 

A peaceful, comfortable, welcoming home;

One (or ten) good, happy, healthy, relaxed, fun, interesting, loving kids;

Big money and the material options, security, and comforts it might provide, or;

A steady but modest income with the more modest material options, comforts, and security it might provide;

Personal freedom and flexibility;

Support, time, care and fun, both for and with two different families and two different sets of friends;

Hobbies, talents, and avocations;

Big or modest careers;

Formal education, and continuing (lifetime) education;

Religious and/or spiritual beliefs, practice and traditions;

Political commitments;

Health and fitness commitments;

Romance;

Being/having a loyal helping friend during crises;

Being/having a loyal helping friend during everyday ups and downs;

Travel;

High quality, reliable sex;

Positive and frequent companionship;

Sharing of mutual and different interests;

Community advocacy and activism;

Intimacy/trust/openness/honesty/talking/sharing;

Kindness, acceptance, and appreciation;

Mutual support for whatever seems most important to each of you;

A lavish amount of attentiveness to you and your needs.

 

If one or more of the above goals is very important to you, you’ll have less time and money and energy to spend on the other ones (thus lowering your odds of success on them.)

 

Whether you achieve any of the above goals will come down mainly to how hard and single-mindedly you and/or your partner are willing to work at making them happen.

 

If you know you require any one (or many) of the above goals in order to be happy, and if you’re sure you want to spend your life with a lifelong partner, you’d do best not to look for one….

 

…And instead, create a life you can love on your own, by working hard to achieve goals that are important to you. When you have that good (not perfect) life, look around and notice who fits into it well. If you keep your eyes open, not for romance and passion (although they’re nice too) you may see a friend who fits well into your life and work and fun and friends and family, and who shares many of your values and goals.

 

Observe how your friend treats (and talks about) the other people in his life; how he treats them is how he’ll treat you, when the newness has worn off. You certainly can’t go by what anyone says to you, or how they treat you, especially when they’re in hot pursuit with hormones raging.

 

None of the “traditional benefits of marriage” listed above can reasonably be “understood” or “expected,” and certainly none can “go without saying” in any relationship. Widespread divorce and marital dissatisfaction should tell you that. It will do you no good at all, later, to be right about how wonderful you were and what a jerk he was (or vice versa). Besides, you would really resent him assuming anything “traditional” or “understood” about you, wouldn’t you? He will too.

 

All young people have big dreams and agendas. Relationships that work well are often the ones in which both partners want many of the same things, because it’s really hard to spend your time, energy, and money on goals you don’t much care about.

 

Regardless of how nice your beloved may be, you will be the one who will be required to do most of the work toward those particular goals which are most important to you—whether it be children, career, home, travel, or whatever. Two people rarely desire something equally; most of the time, values are a little different—so don’t expect your partner to be equally dedicated to your “things.” (Just because he consents to a second—or first, or third, or sixth—child, don’t assume he’s equally interested in doing the work necessary to raise it. Don’t argue for a big yard if you don’t like yard work, or insist on a big house unless you like home maintenance. Don’t get a cat unless you’re willing to clean the cat box….)

 

If you and your partner have distinctly different goals, abilities, talents and interests, you can still trade “yours” for “his.” However, we are not talking here about tit-for-tat trading, which is a disgusting process that is never fair, kind or equitable, and which will kill your relationship.

 

Some arbitrary examples of harmonious “trading” are: she handles the finances but he does the groceries, cooking and kitchen cleaning (or vice versa, on all of these:) She does the yard work and gardening while he does all the heavy, physically challenging chores. He listens to her problems and worries, and she offers him intimacy and pleasure on his emotional and logistical schedule (not just hers.) She works hard to make a good living for everyone and he forgoes the financial independence, career rewards, and other extras he could earn so that they both have free time for themselves and each other. She helps family members with projects and he creates enjoyable family holidays, vacations and gatherings. She came into the marriage with previous commitments to a daughter, parents and grandparents; he strives to make them all feel loved, welcome, and cherished. He brought a daughter, three sisters and a parent, and she befriends and helps them all. He teaches his new daughter to read, write, draw, sing, and write poetry, chauffeurs her, baby-sits her and teaches her to love fruits and veggies; she supports her new daughter’s sports enthusiasms with her participation, and with sports-camps, and pays her way through college.

 

Relationships that work are never about tit-for-tat exchanges, because no two people are alike in their strengths and talents and offerings. Good partnerships can’t be about trying to make things come out even, or about insisting that someone else do more, or be different, more “equal” or better than they are. Relationships only work when they’re about loving and accepting and forgiving people as they are (and we all make mistakes, and have much to learn)—and about helping each other to achieve our most cherished goals, enjoy our own unique kinds of pleasures and become whoever it is we want to be.

 

My primary “guidelines” for predicting a happy relationship are:

 

Self-reliance and emotional security: When you can handle most things in your own life—most of your own needs and goals—without a partner, then you’re probably ready for a relationship.

 

Forbearance: Neither partner believes he or she can or should try to change their partner or tell them what to do. Both are prepared to love each other just the way they are, to forgive and overlook shortcomings, and to appreciate whatever each has to offer.

Unselfishness: Both are “givers”—supportive of whatever is most important to the other, even when they don’t particularly value it, agree with it, prefer to pay for it, or understand why anybody would want it. What is important to your partner will change in the most unpredictable (and expensive) ways as years go by. Good relationships are all about being a flexible, supportive friend to someone who is himself  rapidly changing and growing in the context of a crazy modern world.

 

Kindness:  Both partners treat each another as gently and kindly and supportively and forgivingly as they would like themselves to be treated (the golden rule….) We all want partners who are helpful, accepting, appreciative, courteous, considerate, charming, loyal, tender, open, honest and loving (i.e., perfect) in all circumstances, but most especially during our worst and most difficult times. Turnabout (treating him just exactly as you would like to be treated, always) is not only fair play; it’s the only thing that works in relationships.

 

Acceptance: Neither partner sweats the daily details of day-to-day life. Every couple is different and each person’s style is unique, but nobody’s perfect and life is full of heartaches and disappointments. There are no generalizable stylistic rules for relationships except the golden rule, and that’s only a rule for one’s own behavior, not a rule to monitor others’ behavior with.

 

Commitment: This is nothing more (and nothing less) than placing a very high value on following through on decisions you’ve made—to care for, build on, nurture, and redeem–over the long run, any given particular relationship with an interesting but fallible human being, despite the many inevitable challenges and disappointments and heartaches that will assail both him and you, as a couple. Commitment implies your readiness to take personal responsibility and make the necessary compromises for doing what is necessary to make that long-term relationship work well for both of you. Commitment itself has little or nothing to do with passion, feeling “in love,” romance, excitement, adventure, newness, sex, ideals of womanly or masculine perfection, or any other competing value (see list above, again.)

 

Forgiveness: People make mistakes. Huge ones. And a million little ones, over and over again. Whenever you’re the one messing up big time, whenever you’re the one looking really bad (which will be just as often as it’s always been), you’ll still hope that your partner will nevertheless appreciate your efforts and good intentions, and will forget about all the rest and give you another chance. That’s what your partner will hope for too, from you. In good relationships, both very imperfect partners offer each other a brand new start every day, and even, every minute.

 

Divisions of domestic chores, career compromises, where to live, children (whether, how many, and who will raise them), time with family and friends, how to handle money—all of these are up for grabs, and require lots of communication. Anything at all goes—if it works for both of you. Remember that each value and goal you commit to as a couple constrains all future alternative options.

 

If you make a thoughtful partnering decision (and are unusually lucky) you may find yourself pair-bonded with a best friend who makes your unquestionably challenging lifetime a lot better in many ways. It’s not an unreasonable dream to find a partner who will treat you like a princess and be at your most idealistically romantic beck and call—no matter whether you’re up or down—but only if you intend to return the favor during all his bizarre, unreasonable and unpredictable mood shifts and behavior phases….

 

If you cry “sexism” whenever it’s convenient—i.e., when you don’t want to do something “traditional”—and then turn around and insist that he fulfills sexist roles when you want him to do “expected” or “assumed” traditional stuff, you are participating in what’s called a “bad faith” relationship. Do something else, anything else, because bad faith approaches quickly kill all that is of real value in relationships, and people just don’t stay in unrewarding pairings very long anymore.

 

Treating a relationship like an entitlement program doesn’t work. Otherwise sane and kind people sometimes assume that “they should reasonably be able to expect” certain things that they’re not getting from their relationship, and so they turn those relationships into never-ending wars or competitions, full of resentments, one-upsmanship, wanting to be right, pushing, prodding, criticizing, nagging, laying guilt trips, manipulating, and seeing the worst in their partner—all because their “reasonable” expectations aren’t being met.

 

Sometimes perfectly nice, well-intentioned people end up with unappreciative, inflexible, or just plain clueless, obtuse, or unkind partners.

 

Some poor souls marry a sweet sexy romantic babe with the expectation of continued comfort, intimacy and regular sex, and end up with hardly any sex at all, no romance, and no sweetness or appreciation.

 

So go slow and be smart; or, as the saying goes, “Marry in haste; repent at leisure.”

 

But get this: nothing–no action or attitude or anything else your partner does or says—ever gives you the right or the excuse to act like a creep. You don’t ever have to participate in any process you don’t like. No one can “make you” act like or do or say anything. If your partner wants to be an awful person, that doesn’t mean you have to be one.

 

Some couples who are unhappily matched choose to stay together for a variety of reasons. If this is your choice, your best chance for enjoying some modicum of contentment is to go ahead and be the best partner you can be, no matter how unfair or lopsided your acceptance and kindness may seem. Keep looking for and appreciating his/her best qualities and, as much as possible, let go of their worst. Just because you’ve bonded unwisely or unluckily does not legitimize retaliatory equivalent smallness and unkindness and cruelty and controlling. Besides, such behavior will certainly make your bad situation worse.

 

It makes no sense whatsoever to try to change someone. You can stay with him and be tolerant and accepting. Or you can get the hell out of there. But if you stay, and keep trying to change your partner to suit yourself, you’ll fail, and you’ll both be even more miserable—because no matter how good you are, you’re really really not clever or persistent enough to change someone else.

 

People do sometimes change, but it’s almost never because of how much someone else wanted them to change. People make positive changes on their own agendas, for their own reasons, and sometimes people change in negative ways too. But they almost never change because you want them to. Communicating your needs clearly and lovingly sometimes leads to change; sometimes it doesn’t.

 

No one has the right to settle old gender scores with new partners, or to insist that others see gender issues the same way as they do. In fact, no one has a right to lean on anyone else, not only because it doesn’t do any good, but because it just makes everybody miserable. We’re all imperfect and we all want acceptance, appreciation and support for our small feeble miserable best efforts. Period.

 

Lots of people, even in 2005, use sex manipulatively, to persuade their partner to love them—and then “change” later. This is another example of a bad faith approach that doesn’t work over the long run. Honesty is the heart of intimacy and all good sexual relationships—regardless of the vast variety in sexual styles and interests and alternatives.

 

If your partner’s not happy, you won’t be happy. You can gamble your life on romance, reassuring yourself that you’ll both be deliriously happy forever because you’re so devoted and giving and he’s so hot; and you won’t be the first fool to do so. However, only a handful of those who are initially attractive and pleasant when newly in love are also contentable with you (or anyone else) over the long run. Being perfect can be fun for a few months, but if you’re holding your breath and staying on your best behavior until after you’re safely paired (after which you plan to “relax”) he’s not gonna be happy when he finds out the truth, and you won’t be happy, either.

 

Falling in love is all about mystery, sexual attraction, passion, and romance, which is too bad, because a happy relationship, more often than not, is more about tolerant, accepting friends helping friends. The best thing to have in your bed over the long run (I promise you, even better than a teddy bear) is your best friend.

 

If your partner wants things done better than you care to do them, or different, he can do them himself. Perhaps his good example and higher standards will win you over, perhaps not. Many things just won’t get done, including your most cherished things. Or they’ll get done “wrong.” Nagging and criticism, which are about trying to change people, sometimes “helps” get things done, but your partner won’t like being around you any more, which seems an unwise tradeoff.

 

It doesn’t work to compete with your partner’s family, children, friends, career, or passions. On the other hand, it does work to befriend, support, and try to understand and even like every one of them with every ounce of your willingness.

 

Both partners will find it profitable to use common-sense, traditional approaches that are recommended for every relationship, such as: be the best person you can be, keep your agreements, take good care of yourself and your friend, pay attention, be positive and look for the good, stay healthy, stay in the present, do more than your “fair share,” and spoil each other disgracefully in each of the very unique and particular ways you each most enjoy being spoiled (which are never the same for any two people, so pay attention….)

 

No one is perfect, but nearly everyone can find a suitable companion (that person who feels lucky to be with you, and vice versa.) You’re much more likely to find that good match if you’re not spending time “while looking” hanging out with Mr. Wrong.

 

If you slow down, focus on making yourself a good life, and make the most of every single relationship in your life, if you give your best and learn the lessons life offers you, you’ll be less likely, someday, to say….

 

I was duped. I settled. I was tricked. I was hoodwinked. I was blinded by love. I changed. I fell out of love. We were wrong for each other. He stopped loving me. He found someone else. He found everyone else. I didn’t know what I wanted. He didn’t say what he wanted. We didn’t communicate. He couldn’t trust. He wasn’t good enough. He didn’t want what I want. He wasn’t like me. He didn’t like me. Living with him wasn’t what I thought. He isn’t what I want. I didn’t respect him. I rushed into it. I gave up. He gave up. He didn’t try. I didn’t know. I didn’t think. He didn’t care enough. Neither did I….